


you know where to find me

by Recluse



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Fluff, Introspection, M/M, chaptered but only because it looks nice that way, discovering feelings, future/after graduation fic, not that much after tbh, s
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2013-10-10
Packaged: 2017-12-28 23:03:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/997967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Recluse/pseuds/Recluse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's never been a coward before, but sometimes he's slow to realize.</p><p>//</p><p>Maybe it's better if he takes a step back to make sure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. moving mountains

The first person Haruka ever goes out with is a girl who confesses to him in his last year of high school, shyly asking if he'd like to go to a cafe with her on the weekend, and he accepts because he doesn't know what else to do.

Makoto, of course, finds out about it when he asks Haruka if he's going to come over on the weekend or not, and the rest of the swim team knows because he asks Haruka in the middle of practice.

They all seem surprised by the news. Haruka doesn't really blame them, though privately, he's a little offended.

Rei says that it's good that he gets what he calls 'the normal highschool experience', saying, "It's proven, Haruka-senpai, to improve scores so long as you don't overdo it!", Rin pats(punches) him on the back with jealousy, muttering, "You don't even do anything special...", and Nagisa cheerfully comments that, "Haru-chan is a real stud, isn't he?"

Makoto gives him the same soft smile and tells him that it's good he's getting out more.

For some reason, that hurts.

It's an okay date, but she doesn't ask again, and Haruka doesn't mind.

//

The first person Makoto goes out with is a petite girl a year below him, who leaves a letter in his locker and he accepts her invitation to the movies because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

He has fun, but in the end, when she asks to meet him again, he turns her down and tells her that she'll find someone better for her. She's understanding, asks only for a hug and then they part ways. He says this all while they walk back from school, mindless chatter that Haruka listens to.

He still waves to her in the hallways, sometimes.

Haruka feels the corner of his mouth turn down every time he sees her.

//

There's a fling with Rin before he goes to college abroad. An experiment, he calls it.

He doesn't tell Makoto at first because Makoto, at the time, has several dates, and when he thinks about that, Haruka feels like a small speck on white paper, standing in a vast emptiness. Makoto always accepts only one date, too kind to turn down anyone who asks, and like old paint, Haruka feels a part of him peeling off every time he hears about the next one. The sensation of something crumbling, falling apart, it comes to Haruka every time Makoto tells him that he'll be busy.

The thing with Rin is fast and explosive and Haruka feels drained as it ends, calls Makoto and tells him everything about it, and Makoto is silent on the other end.

Haruka wonders if Makoto will stop being around entirely, leave him in that empty space, but then the doorbell rings and he's there, pulling Haruka into a hug, telling him that no matter what, he'll always support him.

He feels mended, touched. His eyes are wet.

//

Near the end of their last year, things slow down and become normal between them. Makoto has stopped being asked out, and they go out every weekend to do what they've always done, sometimes with Nagisa and Rei. Once and a while Rin will call, or hang around, but he's usually busy applying for international schools, training. Only Makoto knows what happened between him and Haruka, so nothing seems to change.

The air is cooler, in the early spring, he leans against Makoto and doesn't say anything.

Makoto smiles down at him, like always, and Haruka isn't sure if it's a blessing or a curse. Something warm spreads through him, as if seeping into his insides, curling like a candle flame.

"I'm going to Tokyo." Makoto says softly, watching the trees sway.

The candle goes out.

"Why?"

"There's good universities in Tokyo." He says. "And I...Want to study the ocean. Though I might end up a teacher, I'm not sure." He laughs, but it's shaky, uncertain.

"The ocean?" Haruka sits upright. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah." He looks at his hands. "I think that...If I learn more about it, I might not be as afraid anymore. I mean, now it's okay, but," He smiles, looking at Haruka, and it's one of the softest, saddest smiles he's ever had, "We can't always swim a relay when I start being afraid again."

 _You don't need to be afraid again,_ Haruka thinks. _There's no reason for you to be, I--_

"And I can't always depend on Haru-chan either." Makoto turns away with that, staring at the almost, not quite flowering cherry trees.

 _Why not?_ Haruka wants to ask. _Why couldn't you?_

It's not the words themselves, but the way Makoto says it like a goodbye.

//

His train is early in the morning, and Haruka is with the Tachibanas when they say goodbye. Ren and Ran cling to Makoto, and while they try not to cry, there are tears in both their eyes when Makoto lets go of them.

Haruka can only stare when Makoto reassures his parents he'll be fine, he has everything sorted out, his apartment is a block away from the school and yes, he'll make sure to check the mail everyday. He promises to call once he gets there.

"Haru," Makoto says, and Haruka tries to be steady, clenches his fist and takes a regular step instead of a lunge when Makoto pulls him for a hug.

"Tell Nagisa and Rei I'm sorry for leaving so early." He murmurs into Haruka's hair. Haruka just holds tighter before letting go.

"It's their fault for not getting up."

Makoto laughs. "Haru..."

The station speakers announce the trains to be boarded, and Makoto turns back and waves before the doors close.

Haruka feels like he's missed something important. Almost like a deadline has passed.

//

"Haru-chan!" Nagisa waves from across the street, runs over, "Hey, Haru-chan!"

Haruka waves back. "Nagisa."

"Haru-chan, have you heard from Mako-chan?" Nagisa pouts, pulling his phone out of his pocket. "I've only gotten a few messages from him, see? He should send way more, don't you think?"

Haruka pauses to think, blinks, startled.

Makoto hasn't called more than once in the month that he's been gone. There are only two text messages from him on his phone, each spaced out, short reminders to eat and to do his schoolwork, a picture here and there.

Haruka's hand closes around the phone he's only just started carrying in his pocket, clenching it tight.

"I haven't heard much from him either." It's hard to say.

"Eh? Really?" Nagisa looks surprised. Confused, even. "I thought for sure that Mako-chan would text you a lot, at least..."

Something about that sentence sends something sharp under Haruka's skin. He mutters, "It's not a big deal." And it isn't, he thinks. It really isn't.

Nagisa looks at him for a moment, then smiles. "Yeah, I guess, if you say so!"

But the thought sticks to him, he swallows his pride (Is that what this is? This nervous and uncertain feeling?) and messages Makoto later. It takes him half an hour to figure out what to say, how to say it, and in the end all he writes is:

_< Are you okay?>_

He misses the reply, caught in the bath. The voicemail icon flashes at him through the dark when he steps into his room.

_"Haru? Ah, you're probably in the bath."_

Makoto's voice is soft, warm as always. He smiles.

_"I'm fine! I was surprised when I saw that you messaged me, since it's so rare for you."_

He'd be more annoyed if Makoto's laugh wasn't gentle.

_"I haven't been good about keeping up with anyone though. I'm always so busy...But it's fun."_

_"I'm still studying the ocean, though I am taking a few classes on teaching, just in case. There's a lot more to teaching than I thought, but, I like that too."_

_"Ah--"_

There's the sound of a door opening in the background, Haruka listens carefully.

_"--Hey, Honda-san--!"_

_"Eh, Haruka? Is this your girlfriend? Tachibana, you--! You never--"_

_"Honda-san, Haruka isn't my girlfriend! That's my best friend!"_

_"The one with the pools? And fountains? Isn't Haruka a girly name?"_

How does he know? Did Makoto tell him about him?

Warmth floods him.

_"Well, mine is too. And yours, Honda-san."_

_"Hey! Yuki isn't that girly."_

_"Honda-san, give me back my phone!"_

_"Fine, fine."_

_"Haru? Ah right, you're in the bath."_

_"You know his bath schedule? Are you sure this isn't your girlfriend?"_

_"Honda-san!"_

There's some awkward fumbling, static, and then the sound of a door closing.

_"Sorry. My roommate is...Like Nagisa, in a way."_

Makoto sighs in apology. Haruka doesn't care, fidgets and waits for Makoto to keep speaking.

_"Anyways, like I said, I'm fine, Haru-chan. Thank you for asking though."_

_"I miss you."_

Makoto says it quietly, and when Haruka closes his eyes, he can imagine his face, soft, sad smile.

_"How are you though? Are you eating properly? Are you studying properly? Make sure not to eat too much mackerel...It's bad for you, to eat so much fish, don't you know?"_

Haruka scoffs. _Stop worrying._

_"I miss you."_

He says it again, with a long sigh attached.

_"I miss you."_

He mumbles.

_"I miss you all a lot._

_Bye, Haru."_

Haruka falls asleep playing the message over, listening to Makoto sigh.  _I miss you._

Haruka thinks that the ache in his chest is what missing him back feels like.

//

He sighs into his pillow, blearily recognizing that he's hard. He presses his palm against his crotch and sighs again.

He doesn't usually indulge in this, usually takes a long cold soak instead, but it's been a long time since the last. Nobody will visit him today, not at this time, and his first class is later in the afternoon, so he sits up, leaning against the headboard of his bed. He wraps a hand around his cock and slowly moves it up and down, breathes, closing his eyes.

It's methodical, at first. Haruka doesn't think of anything, never has, his mind usually drifts from thought to thought until he's done.

Something brown flashes against his eyelids. Green. A sigh.

His breath gets caught in his throat when his imagination takes a turn, a larger hand is against his, jacking him off, a little softer than his, bonier. A kind voice gone deeper in his ear, a dry, raspy moan, a needy noise that might have come from his mouth or his imagination, breathless, a sigh, _"Haru", "Haru, I-"_

\--He comes with a sudden jerk, voiceless, swallows. Puts his head against his knees and doesn't think, just tries to breathe.

The sigh sounded like the one over the phone. So did his name.

His bath is colder than normal, and he's almost late to class.

//

Two days before Christmas, they all meet at an arcade. Rin is visiting, leaving the day after New Years, and he throws a fit when Haruka barely beats him at a shooting game. They spend a lot of the night arguing back and forth, but Haruka finds himself laughing after a while, despite how irritated he is. Makoto follows behind them, laughing and sighing all at once, while Nagisa and Rei watch the back and forth, sometimes intercepting, taking over where Haruka and Rin left off, usually with Rei winning the shooting games and Nagisa the fighting ones.

"Haru, Rin, you're going to go bankrupt..." He chides after their fourth round of Tekken.

Rin waves him off. "I'll just take your money later, I know you're rich by now."

"Rin, I'm not--"

"Liar." He smashes three buttons and knocks Haruka's character off balance, "You told me what you made in that email last week. Three digits! Three! In a week!"

Haruka's curiosity betrays him, his head turns, and he sends a questioning look to Makoto while pressing a few buttons that lead to his character flipping Rin's over.

"Email?"

Rin smacks him on the arm before mashing the buttons. "Pay attention! You can't just talk to Makoto, who the hell do you take me for?"

"A horrible player." Haruka retorts, turning back to the game, but the word 'email' rings around the back of his head.

//

Haruka has always spent Christmas Eve and Christmas at Makoto's house. As far back as he can remember, Makoto's house has been where he's been, from the days when Ren and Ran were just toddlers to now, although, now they have more company. Nagisa helps with the finishing decorations, running around the house with Ren and Ran. They insist that they're too old to decorate, but they run around screeching with joy when Nagisa sprays them with fake snow. Rei jumps when Nagisa sprays him in the back, though he doesn't stop calculating the perfect way to arrange the presents as to be, as he says, "the most beautiful display of gifts possible".

The Tachibanas laugh at the sight, telling Makoto and Haruka that their friends are a little wild.

"Don't burn down the house!" They say, but they're smiling as they leave, arm in arm.

Makoto holds the door for them and waves, "Have a good time!"

"We'll be back late!"

"Okay!"

Rin comes in just as Makoto's parents disappear from sight, holding up a bag full of snacks.

"Here," He shoves them towards Makoto, seemingly nonchalant, wandering into his house. Makoto peers into the bag, Haruka looks as well, surprised to find chocolate in abundance.

Gou comes over a little later, bringing a cake. Ren and Ran argue for the last piece, at least until Rin eats it two solid bites. Then the twins stare with their mouths hanging open, shocked.

"You guys shouldn't have fought for so long." He tells them, shrugs, turns towards Makoto. "You really need to stop spoiling them."

"Like you really get to talk, nii-san." Gou says, but it's lost in Ran and Ren's discord. They declare Rin a public menace that night, staging something similar to the murdering of Jaws. Nagisa almost laughs until he throws up when he thinks of the comparison.

Haruka turns towards Makoto when he snickers, and Makoto hides his laugh as well, holding his head downwards until they catch each other's eye.

It's strange, different. Still comfortable, but a new kind of comfort, one where static crawls down his spine. He hasn't been this close to Makoto in how long? A few months? Enough to forget things he hadn't noticed before, eyes, lips, cheekbones, the slope of his jaw.

Makoto turns away first, sending Ran and Ren to bed with a gentle scolding to leave Rin alone.

"Get this stuff off of me," Rin grumbles, lying on the floor, covered in stickers, tinsel. "Ugh. Aren't they already in middle school?"

"Rin-chan, you know...You're already in college!" Nagisa lies across him before he can sit up. "And yet you're arguing with a pair of middle schoolers!"

"Very embarrassing, Rin-sa- Rin." Rei adjusts his glasses. "Especially if even Nagisa noticed it."

"Nagisa has a point, Rin." Makoto laughs.

Haruka nods. "Bad idea."

"Tch, it's not like I knew they were gonna be so annoying." Rin pushes Nagisa off and sits up, running a hand through his hair. He sends a wounded look towards Makoto. "Why didn't you warn me?"

Makoto just laughs again. "Right, sorry."

"Eh?" Nagisa looks back and forth between Rin and Makoto, a pout slowly forming. "Mako-chan, have you been talking more to Rin than us? Even Haru-chan said you hadn't talked to him much!"

"What, no," Makoto starts, but Rin grins.

"Well, I get an email from Makoto at least once a week." He's boasting, Haruka almost sees his nose grow. "Maybe even twice."

"What?! Not fair, Mako-chan!" Nagisa clings to Makoto's back, almost tugging him down to the floor. "Why'd you talk to Rin more than us?!"

"I didn't! Rin is over-exaggerating." He shoots Rin a look. "I only email him every once and a while, and definitely not once a week."

"Still more than us."

 _Still more than me_ , Haruka thinks.

Rei pushes his glasses up, then gently pulls Nagisa off of Makoto before Makoto falls over. "I am curious as to why you didn't even contact Haruka-se-, erm, Haru, as often. That struck me as unusual."

"Ah, I was just, busy..." Makoto laughs awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. Haruka gets up.

"I'm going to get something." He says, slipping out the door before Makoto, anyone, can follow.

His shoes aren't on all the way, but it doesn't matter. He runs up the stairs and wonders why it hurts like it does.

Rin talks to Makoto more than he does. His mouth tastes bitter.

He grabs his phone off his desk, thankful that he forgot it, grabs an extra shirt as an afterthought. He walks out of his house and down half the steps before realizing Makoto is waiting at the foot of them.

"Hey, Haru." He says.

His smile hasn't changed. At least Haruka has that.

Still, he feels undone when he thinks of all the talking that Rin and Makoto have been through. It's not as if they talk that much, it's always been more Makoto talking and Haruka listening, actually, but it still stings. The idea that Makoto will talk more with someone else bothers him more than it should.

He expected it to hurt, but not the way it feels now, like he's lost a limb. It's not supposed to be like this, why hadn't Makoto bothered to talk to him? Why Rin?

Somewhere deep, something ghastly comes out and suggests it's because Makoto is tired of him. He knows it's not true. But the thought still gives him a jolt of fear down his back, a shiver down his spine. This is the first time Makoto has ever been anywhere else but his side. Maybe he's enjoying it.

"Makoto." He nods, walking down the steps a little slower. "Why did you follow me?" His voice is a sharper than he meant.

"I," Makoto says, swallows. He knows that's not what he's asking, Haruka lowers his eyes and stares at the sidewalk, feeling guilty.

_It doesn't matter. He's talking to me now._

"Nevermind." He walks. "Thanks."

"Haru, you know, I," Makoto follows his step, matches his pace easily. "I did want to call you. And text you."

He doesn't say anything, just listens, slows down a few steps.

"But I..." He pauses. "I don't know. I never knew what I'd say, when I thought about calling you."

"Anything is fine." Haruka mutters. _That never stopped you before,_ he thinks. _Why Rin then, why hadn't you felt that way about contacting him?_

"Eh?" Makoto pauses in step. "Really?"

He stops, giving Makoto a look of disbelief.

"I said so, didn't I?"

It was meant to be a loaded question, he can tell by the tone, but Haruka can't find any other way to answer except the obvious.

_What gave you any other idea? Do what you've always done, talk to me._

Makoto stares at him, then laughs brightly. "Ah, right. It was...I just...Felt like I shouldn't rely on you so much."

"Stupid." He mumbles, suddenly embarrassed. "It's not relying on me."

Makoto drops the conversation there, lets out a little laugh again. "Sorry, Haru-chan."

"Drop the--"

"--I know."

Haruka lets it pass because Makoto walks closer to him on the way back to his house, only an inch between them. Before they open the door he says, "Rin contacted me first."

"Pushy." Haruka says, more out of spite than anything.

"I guess," Makoto says with a smile, "But sometimes that's a good thing."

//

It's about eleven when everyone else goes home, a yawning Nagisa hanging off Rei, Gou gently dragging her brother out of Makoto's house. Rin groans.

"Too much cake." Haruka shakes his head. Rin opts to give him the finger instead of replying.

"Nii-san..."

"Sorry you had to see that, Gou."

She sighs. "You really need to go to bed."

Haruka closes the door before Makoto can offer to help send them home. They stay up an extra thirty minutes playing games and relaxing, the soft, almost mute sound of the game's music in the background.

Makoto yawns as Haruka's head dips forward. "Haru, we ought to go to sleep."

"Yeah." He mumbles, laying his head down on Makoto's bed. "...Do they still believe in Santa?"

Makoto pauses. "I'm not sure. I think dad will lay out presents anyways."

Haruka nods. Makoto smiles softly at him. "You really care about Ren and Ran, don't you, Haru-chan?"

He turns away, ignoring Makoto's chuckle, refusing to answer the obvious.

Something flutters through Haruka's stomach, escaping him through a breath. He's really missed this, he thinks, staring at the controller, he's really, really missed this. Being here, in his room, doing nothing important, just enjoying the moment.

He breathes the easiest when Makoto is by his side, he's found. When he's not there, it's a little harder, all the time. He's thankful.

Makoto pulls out the spare futon while offering Haruka his bed, saying that it's no big deal. Haruka rolls his eyes and takes the futon from his hands, sets it up and stares pointedly at Makoto until he laughs quietly, sheepishly, and takes off his glasses and gets into his own bed.

//

_Something_  
 _soft_

_And his hands are there, holding onto him, keeping him steady, his mouth is gentle and doesn't push, and it's enough but not quite enough_

_He wants something more solid, feels like he'll disappear if he's not careful, his hands could go straight through him. He pulls him closer as carefully as he can and the places he touches are solid under his palms, hot even_

_Heart Eyes Hands Fingers Palms, those are all the places that matter, Haruka dives in and_

//

He wakes up startled, sweating. Disoriented. Makoto's soft breaths are distracting, he counts the inhale and exhale, tries to follow, slow down his heart.

There's something like shame when he realizes what his shorts feel like. Something like fear when he realizes what his dream was about, who it was about.

//

Later in the day, after the unwrapping of gifts and the awkward photos that he's never been good at taking, they go out and walk around Iwatobi, like they always have.

Iwatobi isn't showy, per say, but it's pretty, with light strung up and shops closed, nice and simple. The sound of the sea makes Haruka close his eyes and listen, gentle waves overlapping each other.

Makoto walks in step with him, chats the whole time about Tokyo and what he's done, his roommate, his job, his life, and Haruka listens to him and lets the sea fade away, pin pricks of jealousy and wistfulness arising, wondering if Makoto talks to his friends in Tokyo about them -- about him -- like he talks about his friends in Tokyo to Haruka.

He remembers the voicemail. Yes, Makoto does talk about him in Tokyo, he's warm at the thought. He remembers last night and the weeks before that, heats up like a fire on the inside.

Makoto pauses mid-sentence. "Haru? Are you okay?"

"Yeah." It's not really a lie. More like a half truth.

Makoto stares at him, then allows it to pass. "Sorry for rambling like this."

"It's fine."

"Still, it seems like Haru-chan has other things on his mind." Makoto smiles, turning to look towards the ocean. "I'm glad you aren't trying to swim right now."

"I have a little sense." Haruka mutters, turning his head away. Makoto laughs. "Right, right. Sorry for doubting you, Haru."

Their walk continues, light steps down bright sidewalks, until the reach the foot of the shrine staircase after making a full circle of Iwatobi.

"Ah, by the way...I got this for you." Smiling gently, Makoto pulls something out of his bag, holding it out to Haruka. "Merry Christmas, Haru."

It's a sketchbook. Not the cheap kind either, Haruka can already tell, the company is one that's foriegn and expensive and high quality. One this size, just about a textbook in dimensions, maybe a little more, must have cost at least more than one paycheck, plus the set of pencils Makoto pulls out, a little grin on his face.

When Haruka reaches for them, staring at him, something clicks.

 _Makoto_ , his mind murmurs, _Makoto_ , his feelings put themselves together, jealousy, hot nights, empty aches, feeling full of warmth when he's by his side.

His chest feels tight.

He's in love with him. The world opens to swallow him up.

Makoto stares at him with a ridiculously pleased smile, waiting, watching, eyes glittering. Haruka waits for the world to swallow him, but nothing happens, all he hears is his own breathing, uneven. He takes the sketchbook with trembling hands and hopes that Makoto doesn't notice.

"I...Didn't get you anything like this though." He says. It's the only thing that comes to mind besides, _I'm in love with you_ and _How long have I been like this?_

"Yeah, but," Makoto scratches the back of his head and blushes, looking down at the ground, "Haru-chan has always been there for me, and I've...I know that lately I haven't been that good at keeping up, so I thought maybe this would...Help? I guess."

"You've always been there for me too though." He says, running on autopilot. _There's nothing you need to make up for. We went over this yesterday. I was jealous of Rin yesterday. I'm in love with you._

Makoto smiles. "It's different. You've always tried to protect me without saying so, Haru."

"Have not." He says, mouth dry.

Makoto's smile turns softer. Haruka is terrified of how happy it makes him.

Oh no.

This has to be love.

//

It's terrifying.

He's never been easy to scare, more likely to jump back and then analyze the situation as he jumps, so that by the time whatever comes back, he's ready for it. In haunted houses, he maintains composure, it's not real, it's fake, a costume. It's all digital, in a game, it's all a story, fiction.

This is not.

This, Haruka realizes, is what people talk about when they say they're nervous, the shaking he's not familiar with, the uneven breaths. He can't stop fidgeting. His hands are at his sides, fingers tapping against his leg as they stand next to each other, Rei and Nagisa and Rin and Gou and everyone else they've ran into laughing about something, planning on what to pray for.

"Haru-chan, what are you going to pray for?" Nagisa tugs on his arm. His hand stops tapping against his leg. "Don't say more ocean! Iwatobi can't flood!"

He pauses to think about it. "...More rain."

"Eh? Haru-chan, that's still water!" Nagisa whines, tugging at him more.

"Well Nagisa, what are you going to pray for?" Makoto says, taking Nagisa's attention elsewhere. Automatically, Haruka glances at him in thanks, but when Makoto smiles back, he fights the urge to turn and run.

Despite all the time they've known each other, there are things that Haruka has never really noticed about Makoto, the light splatter of freckles against his skin, almost invisible, the warmth that comes from his hands when he places them on his shoulder or back, the curve of his lips. He knows his voice like no one else's, but has it always had that undertone? Was it always this kind? How much has he missed, never noticed? How much of Makoto has he not seen, despite it all?

Maybe he's over-thinking it. He starts climbing up the stairs, one at a time, drifting in thought. Maybe he's focusing too much on Makoto, on little things he probably doesn't notice himself. He can't stop thinking though, it's impossible, even though he tries, Makoto wades into his mind and muddles him. His feelings have a vice on the rest of him, tightening every time he tries to get away.

Makoto follows next to him while the others pass him by, racing up the steps as fast as they can.

"Haru?" He says. _Are you okay?_

"Mm." _I'm fine._ Except he's not, not exactly. But the idea of telling Makoto is the most terrifying thing of all.

 _How am I supposed to tell you that I love you,_ he thinks, looking towards the ground, _if I don't even know how it started?_ It seems unfair, in a way, to feel like this and not know why.

"Makoto." He says, just to let it roll off his tongue, out his mouth.

"Yes?"

"Have you met anyone in Tokyo?"

He doesn't know why he asks. A strange noise comes from Makoto's throat.

"I...No, not really." Haruka doesn't look at him. "I've talked to some people, but..."

"But?" He stares. _But what?_

Makoto is caught in his gaze, but he's trying to block him out, Haruka feels it. Feels the way his eyes shift just to the side, so he doesn't have to face Haruka directly.

"Hurry up!" Nagisa shouts from the top steps, and Makoto flees. Haruka follows.

His fortune is mild luck: You only reach the top if you try. Expect to receive exactly how much you give.

//

"Haru?"

"Yeah."

"Ah, if you're tired, I can call you later--"

"--It's fine."

"...If you're sure, then..."

"Just talk, Makoto."

"Well, it's only been a week, so I don't have much to talk about. Honda-san brought leftovers from his hometown--"

"--He's from Osaka or something, right?"

"Near there, yeah. They were actually really good, even though he told me he made them himself, I really doubt it..."

"His cooking is that bad?"

"Well, it's...Got room for improvement?"

"So I'm a better cook."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Haru, I mean it, if you're tired..."

"No, it's not that. How are you surviving if neither of you can cook?"

"Haru-chan, it's not like I can't cook some things..."

"Not mackerel."

"I keep telling you, too much mackerel is unhealthy! You're going to get sick one day, Haru..."

"You'd probably take the train to take care of me. Maybe I should make more mackerel. Ren and Ran would be pleased, at least."

"Haru!"

"I'm kidding."

"Geez, Haru...You shouldn't joke about that kind of thing." He sighs. "I worry about you, honestly..."

"I know." Haruka tries to sound calm. "I know."

"Ha, I guess you do."

It's warm.

//

He swims for an answer and finds too many, late at night, after having broken into the Iwatobi pool. The water, as always, guides him, to the hows, the whys.

It's the day of the relay, back in elementary school. Makoto's words come back to him, ignite him. Haruka remembers, vaguely, the sensation in his chest, bubbling warmth. Childish, but happy.

It's the day of the relay, back in high school. Makoto is there to pull him out. His voice is the first and the last he hears when he jumps into the pool and gets out, Makoto offering his hand, gripping it tight, not letting go even after he's standing on solid ground. "Haru!"

It's the day he thanks him for being there and runs, because he's about to burst, something shy and gentle filling him up.

It's the day he realizes Makoto could disappear and he'd be without him. It's the moment Makoto tells him again that it's meaningless if he's not there, that he always wants to swim with him.

It's the day, days, when Makoto came to his house and pulled him out of the tub, the days when they split popsicles, the days they spent doing nothing important. The day where Haruka ran hand in hand with him, trying to pull him away from his fears, wanting to protect him. It's the day where he receives a sketchbook. It's the day he finds himself remembering all the little details of Makoto, years and years ago, just because _this kid is never going to go away, is he?_

It's all those days, he can't give the exact moment, it's all those days, somewhere along the line, where he starts falling. They're the how. The why.

In a way, he's pleased. He's got an answer, a reason, a how. This isn't a careless type of love, the type people fall in and out of.

But this means he only has two options, tell or not tell, and he can't stomach the idea of the second. It hurts to imagine never saying anything, never even trying, getting trapped like he did before, unable to clear the air. He can't do that. Not with Makoto.

//

"Haru?"

"Are you okay?"

" 'M fine. Really."

"Your words are slurring, Makoto."

"No, they're not, not...Not really."

"Makoto, what did you drink?"

"Haru-chan, 'M not old enough to drink..."

"But you did."

"...Only a little! Cause Honda-san made me..."

"Makoto. Go to sleep."

"Haru, I just have to say, I really have to say so," He gets serious, swallowing before saying, "I really care about you, I really, really do."

"I know." His voice wavers.

"Haru, Haru, Haru-chan..."

It's too much. "Go to bed, Makoto."

"Haru," He murmurs, "I wish you were here. Goodnight."

He hangs up the phone and curls into bed, but doesn't fall asleep for a while. His smile is barely contained, his heart is bursting.

 _He didn't mean it like that, he's said things like this before_ , no matter what Haruka thinks, he can't stop the warmth that curls inside.

//

"Makoto."

"Hm, what is it Haru?"

"When are you coming back again?"

"Eh, why?"

"Just asking."

"Well, I think there's a break somewhere around...uhm...In the next two weeks? Maybe." He pauses. "Is there something wrong?"

"No, I." Haruka swallows, closes his eyes and says in a rush, "I just wanted to know. So I could...Know when I'll see you."

"...Oh. Okay."

 _He shouldn't sound so happy,_ Haruka thinks, _he shouldn't sound like that._

His resolve weakens. He wants to tell him, but he doesn't want to lose him.

_If I don't say anything, he'll always be there._

//

Expect to receive exactly how much you give.

//

It's not quite warm enough, but they break into their old school's pool anyway.

"It's been a while since we've done this, hasn't it?" Makoto laughs. "I haven't been swimming as much as I should."

"Neither have I."

"If you had it your way, you would be swimming all the time though."

He dives in. Makoto follows, but slower, sliding into the water.

They do laps for a while, then sit outside the pool, drying off. It is a little too chilly, as much as Haruka laments to be out of the water. The wind is cool against their shoulders, so they sit closer together, jackets draped over them.

"We're both out of shape." Makoto says. "Rin would be mad."

Haruka half shrugs, one shoulder goes up and down. "Not our problem."

Their hands are almost touching. This is a moment he doesn't want to ruin. He draws his hand a little closer to himself, leans towards the water, feet stirring, causing ripples.

"Hey, Haru," He sounds calm, comfortable, "Have you met anyone?"

"Why?"

"Well, you asked me, so it's only fair." Makoto grins at him. He doesn't have an argument, so he turns his head to the side and frowns.

"Not really."

And it's true. In college, it's mostly people he's met before. And no one has ever bothered to talk to him much, he's still not good at meeting other people.

And he's been thinking about Makoto, though he doesn't say that.

"You?" He sticks his hand in the water, asking for a calming touch. "Anyone new?"

If yes, he won't say it.

"Just friends." Makoto says.

He sounds a little sad. Haruka stirs the water again, looking for the right way to speak.


	2. I need you

First loves never work out, Makoto remembers being told that once. An elderly woman living by the shrine had said that to him, that first loves never worked out, that they existed for mistakes to be made, to learn, to grow, and then to shed.

He's searched his mind for hours for a different first love and he's never found one, so he thinks, _it's hopeless. You're the only one I've ever loved like this._

He forgets the kitten on side of the road, the stray he'd raised and sheltered until she had been adopted by a kind man who had happened to feed her too. He had abandoned dinners to help her, satisfaction sat deep in his heart when she opened up to him, sat in his lap and purred. That kitten had heard all his little secrets, had looked into his eyes and understood, and he let her go when the man picked her up and gave her a pat, and she purred for him too.

//

He gives and gives and gives. Naturally, he gives, willingly even, pieces of him are handed away to others who need it, but he's only shared with Haru. Only with Haru is any of him kept, traded back and forth, only with Haru is he understood, even the pieces he keeps to himself. Only Haru sees him for all the pieces he is and isn't.

Haru has only given him shards and strands of himself, what he's not afraid to share, but Makoto has always considered that fine. Pushing Haru has never been a good idea, and the parts of Haru he has make him proud. He's spent years learning Haru, taking the seeds he's been given and nurturing them until they sprout, until a whole chunk of Haru is opened up to him.

He's never been one for confrontation either though, he knows. It's a double-edged sword, giving because he loves to give, giving because he's afraid.

He's always been afraid to push Haru, he realizes now. He should have tried to. Should have pushed him a little, should've tried to take something so painful out his hands so they could share it, hurt together, heal together. He didn't though, he was scared of what it would do to them, to him. He didn't even try to.

In the end it worked out, he supposes. But Haru went through so much alone. If Makoto had tried harder to unravel the pain, maybe it would've ended sooner, maybe he wouldn't have hurt so much, that's what he thinks.

 _Though,_ he looks at his hands on the train back home, _it's not too late to start trying harder._

There are some things, even between them, that have to be said, put out into the open to really share. Makoto knows that now, maybe he always did, but was afraid. Afraid of seeing all Haru was, afraid he couldn't bear the pressure.

He's not afraid anymore. Haru is precious, and if he lets him, he'll take on anything to help him, whatever he struggles with, Makoto will struggle with, whatever makes him happy will make Makoto happy too.

But...Maybe he shouldn't try at all. Maybe it's better if there's that little, unbridgeable distance between them, because it depends on what he wants, really wants, not what he thinks is the best for everyone, nor what he thinks he wants because he's never known anything else.

 _Selfish_ , a part of him whispers. _You're being selfish._

 _Maybe it's good to be selfish sometimes_ , he responds.

He needs to be selfish, because he'll never know for sure if he wants all the pieces of Haru unless he takes a step away, he'll never be sure unless he tries to stand on his own first, how he feels without sharing himself with Haru, without Haru sharing with him.

He'll never be sure unless he sees himself as all he is, without Haru there to protect him.

//

Two steps forward, one step back, that's how he feels when he moves to Tokyo.

 _It's important to be away_ , he reminds himself. Distance can be good either way, bring people closer or pull them apart, either is fine. He just doesn't want to drown without knowing what he really wants, who he is without Haru. He doesn't want to drag Haru down either, he'll never let his own insecurities do that, even if it means learning to live without him.

He's firm in his decision, even though thinking of it breaks his heart.

//

_Tokyo is scary, Haru_ |

\--delete--

 _Do you still eat mackerel every morning? You should eat properly_ |

\--delete--

 _Haru, I miss you, I miss everyone_ |

\--delete--

 _Haru_ |

\--delete--  
\--delete--  
\--delete--  
\--delete--  
\--delete--  
\--delete--  
\--delete--  
\--delete--  
\--delete--  
\--delete--  
\--delete--

He deletes every message he want to send, because that would mean relying on him. It hurts, but he thinks it's the way to an answer.

Every experience is amazing, Tokyo is amazing, but sometimes Makoto finds himself thinking that it would be better if Haru were there. Often, even.

//

Rin is easier to talk to, because he experiences the same feeling of distance, and there isn't anything Makoto struggles to hide when they chat. He's open, willing to speak, pushes Makoto to talk to him. There are times Makoto thinks that Rin is overwhelming, but he appreciates it this time. Talking to someone really does help.

And Rin knows Haru, even if he doesn't understand him like Makoto does, he knows parts of Haru that Makoto has never really opened up. They talk about him sometimes, talk about the rest of the team in Iwatobi. Makoto can't help but laugh at the competitions they've had, ones where he wasn't present, busy. The ice eating competition that had ended with both of them getting brain freezes, a running competition that ended with 'that bastard Rei kicking our asses'.

Rin doesn't mention much of their once relationship, not until late one night, IMing.

<So, have you and Haru gotten anywhere?>

<I don't know what you mean?>

<Makoto, you know what I mean!>

<? I really don't>

<Go for it. He's not going to reject you, I'm pretty sure>

<Rin, we're just friends!>

<'Just friends', yeah right>

<Honestly!>

<'Just friends' don't do what you guys do. I've seen couples less embarrassing>

<We aren't like that! Rin, geesh>

<If you say so>  
<Haru and I had a thing you know>

<Haru told me>  
  
<eh?>  
<huh>  
<Interesting>  
<Should have known actually>  
<But yeah, didn't work out>  
<Haru couldn't handle me>  
<I couldn't handle him either tbh>  
<you've always taken care of him though>  
<he only does what you say>

<...>  
<Rin, I think you've over-analyzing>  
<We're really only friends>

<you could change that you know>  
<I think you could>  
<maybe make Haru less of a dick>  
<yeah, make Haru less of a dick>

<Rin! that's rude>

<honestly makoto>  
<you need a spine>  
<a guy your size is supposed to be scary, not scared>

//

He discovers little things about himself. Without someone making it for him every morning, Makoto finds he does like mackerel, just in smaller portions. He's more awkward than he thought with new people, though he manages well enough. He flinches near fountains.

And that he aches when Haru isn't there, just a little, in the back of his heart.

//

When he receives Haru's text, he's touched. He hadn't imagined Haru holding his hand out first, hadn't imagined Haru caring enough, as cold as saying so sounds. There was something inexplicable about how either way, whether Haru held his hand out or never offered it, it'd be just like him to do so.

He calls back because he misses the sound of Haru's voice.

_Voicemail, probably the bath._

His own voice tells him all he needs to know. He hadn't realized how much he wanted, what he wanted, until it spills out of him without warning, he sighs.

"I miss you."

 _I want to see you all the time. I want you._ These are the pieces of Makoto that he finds in himself, but they're only for Haru to know. He thinks it's funny how he finds them when they're separated, even though that's part of the reason why he left, to find what he didn't know.

//

_It was always fine for you to talk to me,_ Haru says so with his eyes. _Why did you think otherwise?_

He's happy he matters, happy Haru is jealous, breaking, overflowing with love.

This he never wants to lose, he realizes. And he won't, he swears. Even if it means hiding his feelings, hiding the pieces that he only wants to show Haru, he'll never let their relationship go.

He's still afraid, he thinks in the dark. The only difference is he's afraid to give instead of take, this time.

He just wants to give and give and give, but only to Haru.

//

Something in Haru's eyes change when he hands him the sketchbook. It's not a bad thing, his eyes glitter, in fact, but Makoto doesn't know what it is. It's a heavy, unsure stare, and he chooses to smile, ducks his head and blushes when he can.

_Haru, I love you. Thank you._

//

He's off, Haru is nervous. Makoto wants to ask why, but when Haru asks him if he's met anyone, heat rushes to his cheeks. Has he been found out? After all, he's never been able to hide much from Haru, but, thankfully, Nagisa calls and he runs. He's not quite that brave, he can't face Haru if his struggle to hide was for nothing.

He doesn't bring it up again. Makoto thinks it's a good sign, because Haru seems to ignore the fact he even asked.

His fortune is Good Luck: Your dreams could be recognized. Aim for the best prize possible.

//

He takes the buzz and uses it to say what he feels, but at the last second, he changes his mind. It's not so trite that he can say it over the phone, if he ever does say it.

"I really do care about you, I really, really do."

Maybe it's the alcohol messing with him, but Haru's voice seems to tremble when he says, "I know."

He doesn't have a headache in the morning, but his heart aches.

//

Heartache is nothing compared to the happiness he receives when Haru shows he cares. This happiness, to be his friend, to be so close, it's more than enough, he tells himself. It's more than enough to have Haru by his side.

//

He thinks this is the best prize, sitting next to him, comfortable, easy to breathe. He'd never do anything to break this, doesn't, draws his hand a little closer to himself instead of reaching out like he wants to.

But it's a little sad too. Maybe one day he'll feel like this again, but at this moment, he thinks that no one will ever make him feel like Haru does. The pieces of him he's hiding, he'll never want anyone but Haru to see them.

"Just friends." He says, smiling softly at the pool, because _Haru, it can't be anyone but you._


	3. again.

The steps, the sunset, and suddenly, he feels like he should say it here. These steps, out in the open nothing, under this tori.

Is it the same one? He can't remember if it was the first set of stairs or the second. He supposes it doesn't matter whether it's at the same spot, the meaning doesn't change, regardless of location. It'd just be a little funny, is all, if he told Makoto his feelings where Makoto told him his.

"Makoto." He turns, facing him. The wind is against his back.

"Hm?"

He could reach out and touch him, if he wanted to.

At a step below him, Makoto reaches his height, eye to eye like before.

He doesn't know what to say. All his words leave him suddenly, any clever plan, any declaration, even the straightforward, they leave him and he's at a loss for what to do.

Makoto looks at him. He looks back.

"Please." He says, unsure. "Let me show you the sights you haven't seen before."

Let me show you everything, he means. Let me be the one to show you everything, let me see with you, let me feel with you. Important words have never been his strong point. He wants to run. His legs are shaking, and he forces them to stay.

The wind pushes behind him. Makoto's eyes root him place.

"Please," He murmurs, and the sound catches in the wind, "Let me."

_Have I given enough to have you?_

The sunset, he looks past Makoto for a moment, the sunset is happening, slowly, he can see the sun dip down. He doesn't see the last moment though, because Makoto climbs the last step between them and holds him close, wraps his arms around him. They don't say anything.

"Only you, Haru." He murmurs, voice trembling, "Please show me."

They stay like that for a long time.

//

_Kiss me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, so this fic may have beat the word count of the last long fic I wrote ages ago....Agony is shipping.
> 
> Anyways, the titles of the first two chapters are from songs that inspired me, particularly "Moving Mountains" by Thrice and "I need you" from the Free! Ost. Originally this fic was supposed to be short and angst, but then look at where we are.
> 
> Hope you liked it!


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